1
00:00:05,730 --> 00:00:07,770
Burn! March!

2
00:00:10,530 --> 00:00:11,550
Aim!

3
00:00:12,710 --> 00:00:13,730
Fire!

4
00:00:17,850 --> 00:00:19,770
It's Tommy Cooper!

5
00:00:35,139 --> 00:00:36,139
Thank you.

6
00:00:36,220 --> 00:00:37,220
Oh, I feel good tonight.

7
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:38,520
I could crush a grape.

8
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,020
There's a man rings up the pub about
four o 'clock in the morning.

9
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:50,600
And he said to the owner, he said, and
the owner said, ring me up four o 'clock

10
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:51,099
in the morning.

11
00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:52,260
He said, well, what time do you open?

12
00:00:52,700 --> 00:00:54,460
He said, you can't get in here until 12
o 'clock.

13
00:00:54,940 --> 00:00:56,220
He said, I don't want to get in, I want
to get out.

14
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:00,860
Here's a little trick now.

15
00:01:00,980 --> 00:01:02,680
Before we start, really start.

16
00:01:03,050 --> 00:01:04,209
It's a tip for all gardeners.

17
00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:14,610
Ladies, when you do the dishes, do you
wish your hands were soft as your face?

18
00:01:15,230 --> 00:01:16,390
Well, do the dishes with your face.

19
00:01:19,210 --> 00:01:20,850
I cut up laughing. I've just my time.

20
00:01:23,030 --> 00:01:24,030
Oh, dear.

21
00:01:24,310 --> 00:01:25,810
Here's a little trick now. Watch very,
very closely.

22
00:01:26,430 --> 00:01:31,030
My uncle, he's 64, and he's got to marry
a young girl, 19.

23
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,740
And this doctor said to him, that could
be fatal.

24
00:01:36,140 --> 00:01:38,060
So my uncle said, well, she dies, she
dies.

25
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:45,880
I just put that in, I wasn't going to do
that.

26
00:01:49,060 --> 00:01:51,460
Here's a little trick now, watch me very
closely. Look, the red haggard is there

27
00:01:51,460 --> 00:01:52,219
like that.

28
00:01:52,220 --> 00:01:53,640
And you go like that, there.

29
00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:56,940
And you go, oop, place it inside the
hair like that. Here we are, there like

30
00:01:56,940 --> 00:01:57,940
that.

31
00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:00,680
Say the magic word to myself, because
it's a bad word.

32
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,140
Isn't he like that? Look at that.

33
00:02:07,380 --> 00:02:08,380
Thank you.

34
00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:10,259
Thank you very much.

35
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,920
And make his way into the tin here.

36
00:02:14,140 --> 00:02:15,140
Aye!

37
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:21,420
Here's a quick joke.

38
00:02:22,060 --> 00:02:25,400
There's about two bookmakers, see?

39
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:27,740
And they go to the cinema.

40
00:02:28,410 --> 00:02:30,070
He said, I don't know anything about
gambling, really.

41
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,410
I don't know anything about it. I don't
gamble. You know what I mean?

42
00:02:33,930 --> 00:02:35,790
Well, I did last week, for the first
time.

43
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:37,710
And I lost 500 pounds.

44
00:02:39,010 --> 00:02:43,630
But that's nothing to do with it, is it?
I mean, it's... I want to tell this

45
00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:44,630
joke. You know what I mean?

46
00:02:47,030 --> 00:02:52,130
I don't... No more. I mean, this has
nothing to do with it.

47
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,800
I mean, I just don't gamble, you know
what I mean?

48
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,240
Never forget that. It's nothing to do
with the show, is it? Nothing to do with

49
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:03,240
the show at all.

50
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:10,740
So these two bookmakers, you see, went
to the cinema, see?

51
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:13,420
I don't gamble, I told you.

52
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,920
The one I bet was 20 to 1. He came in 20
past 4.

53
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:24,060
He was so late coming in, he tiptoed
back to the stables.

54
00:03:32,620 --> 00:03:35,040
on the stretch, and the jockey started
hitting them with a whip. Like that.

55
00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:38,020
And the horse said to him, he said, what
are you hitting me for? There's nobody

56
00:03:38,020 --> 00:03:39,020
behind us.

57
00:03:42,260 --> 00:03:43,760
What was I talking about? Oh, yeah.

58
00:03:44,340 --> 00:03:47,100
So these two bookmakers went and saw
that film, Ben -Hur.

59
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,220
I've seen it. I like Ben, didn't like
her.

60
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:56,540
So I saw this, and they went, they saw
this film, Ben -Hur, you see, and it

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00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,680
to the charity race, you know, the white
horse and the black horse.

62
00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:01,460
And one said to the, he said, I tell you
what, he said, I bet the white horse

63
00:04:01,460 --> 00:04:04,750
wins. He said, you're on. So they bet
£50 down each, right?

64
00:04:05,770 --> 00:04:06,770
And the white horse won.

65
00:04:07,790 --> 00:04:10,990
So this other fellow said, did you have
a secret tip about that?

66
00:04:13,050 --> 00:04:14,050
He said, no.

67
00:04:14,070 --> 00:04:15,210
He said, well, how do you know who's
going to win?

68
00:04:15,890 --> 00:04:17,350
He said, well, at one last week at the
Odeon.

69
00:04:21,310 --> 00:04:22,370
Oh, thank you.

70
00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:24,630
Thank you very much.

71
00:04:26,510 --> 00:04:29,770
I'll tell you what I'm going to do now,
if I may. I'd like to do some acting for

72
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:30,770
you.

73
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:32,880
A bit of character acting.

74
00:04:33,260 --> 00:04:36,800
Because I've got acting in my blood,
really. Because many years ago, a

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00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:37,800
actor bit me.

76
00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:42,160
Look at this, look.

77
00:04:43,940 --> 00:04:45,860
Impressions. I'm not going to tell you
who I'm impressing.

78
00:04:48,540 --> 00:04:50,140
But you'll know straight away when I've
done it.

79
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:51,720
And after that, I shall tell you.

80
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,020
You wouldn't think it was me, would you?

81
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:06,440
Here we go, then. Right.

82
00:05:07,620 --> 00:05:09,000
Here we are, then. Right. Here we are.
Look.

83
00:05:09,620 --> 00:05:10,620
Ice of clubs.

84
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:12,640
Ice of diamonds.

85
00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:15,200
Ice of spades. And the ice of ox.

86
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,260
Three different cards there, me old cock
sparrow.

87
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:23,160
I've got three different cards on there.

88
00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:27,120
Three different cards on these ice of
diamonds.

89
00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:33,550
Three... different cards on the ice of
space and three different cards on the

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00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:34,550
ice of arts.

91
00:05:37,150 --> 00:05:40,410
Now I shall be here to give you one odd
number between one and four.

92
00:05:40,950 --> 00:05:41,950
Five.

93
00:05:45,030 --> 00:05:51,730
Any odd number

94
00:05:51,730 --> 00:05:53,130
between one and four?

95
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:55,190
Three. One,

96
00:05:55,930 --> 00:05:56,930
two, three.

97
00:05:57,210 --> 00:05:59,810
Here's the ice of spades, three
different cards.

98
00:06:01,430 --> 00:06:04,410
And I place in this empty envelope in
there.

99
00:06:05,530 --> 00:06:06,530
You all right?

100
00:06:11,890 --> 00:06:12,890
Now, look.

101
00:06:13,170 --> 00:06:14,170
That's what I've done.

102
00:06:14,410 --> 00:06:17,250
What have I done? That's right. Ice of
spades, three different cards.

103
00:06:20,350 --> 00:06:22,750
Now, here's the ice of hearts, three
different cards.

104
00:06:24,090 --> 00:06:25,270
Ice of hearts.

105
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,180
I turn the Ice of Arts over.

106
00:06:30,460 --> 00:06:32,220
I go, woof, woof, like that.

107
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:37,320
And there's one, two, three, and the Ice
of Arts, gone.

108
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:41,440
Take it.

109
00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:46,940
Ice of Diamonds, three different cards
there like that. I turn the Ice of

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00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:47,600
Diamonds...

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00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:54,840
Turn

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00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:57,340
the Ice of Diamonds over. I go, woof.

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00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:03,720
It's one, two, three, and the Ice of
Diamonds is gone.

114
00:07:06,020 --> 00:07:07,480
Thank you. One more.

115
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,500
Ice of Clums, three different cards.

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00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,560
I put the Ice of Clums there like that.

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00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,020
I turn the Ice of Clums over.

118
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I go, woof, woof.

119
00:07:17,340 --> 00:07:18,920
One more, woof, like that.

120
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:23,660
And it's the three of diamonds, three
hearts, seven hearts, and the Ice of

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00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,180
Diamonds gone.

122
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,400
They make their way back.

123
00:08:17,890 --> 00:08:19,410
What's wrong with Mr. Bronson?

124
00:08:20,210 --> 00:08:23,670
He's got German measles. The symptoms
aren't at all similar. What on earth

125
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:24,890
you say it's German measles?

126
00:08:25,730 --> 00:08:26,730
Well, listen for yourself.

127
00:08:33,669 --> 00:08:35,230
Seems to be the trouble, Mrs Pierce.

128
00:08:35,610 --> 00:08:37,950
Oh, I'm ever so worried about my bald
Billy Doctor.

129
00:08:38,169 --> 00:08:39,850
I think he might be a bit backward.

130
00:08:40,950 --> 00:08:42,030
There, bring him in.

131
00:09:06,810 --> 00:09:07,890
This one thing's changing.

132
00:09:10,770 --> 00:09:13,030
Dr. Miles, have you sterilized the
instrument?

133
00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:14,250
Yes, Dr. Crawford.

134
00:09:14,430 --> 00:09:16,050
Right, well, let's get started, shall
we? Right.

135
00:09:17,690 --> 00:09:24,570
Good news, Mr. Cooper, the doctor says
you can go

136
00:09:24,570 --> 00:09:25,569
home. Go home?

137
00:09:25,570 --> 00:09:26,570
When? Right away.

138
00:09:26,850 --> 00:09:27,850
Great.

139
00:09:42,860 --> 00:09:43,519
Thanks, fellas.

140
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:44,940
My feet were killing me.

141
00:09:47,180 --> 00:09:48,180
Well, Doctor?

142
00:09:49,180 --> 00:09:52,740
Well, Mr Jenkins, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to be rather brutal.

143
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:54,080
Do you mind?

144
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:55,640
No, Doctor.

145
00:09:58,660 --> 00:10:01,820
I want you to breathe deeply.

146
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,720
So you're the one that's been ringing my
wife.

147
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:15,620
I recommend an operation.

148
00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:18,700
Oh. Could I have a second opinion,
Doctor?

149
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,480
Yes. What do you think?

150
00:10:25,940 --> 00:10:28,120
Hello? Yes, a flying doctor here.

151
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,240
OK, I'll be right over.

152
00:10:34,460 --> 00:10:37,300
Your next patient is here, Doctor. When
will you be able to see him?

153
00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:39,120
Well, the minute he walks in, I've got
marvellous eyesight.

154
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,060
Doctor, I'm in terrible shape.

155
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:54,280
I can see that.

156
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:56,560
Well, you've got to help me.

157
00:10:56,780 --> 00:10:57,820
Well, what seems to be the trouble?

158
00:10:58,340 --> 00:11:04,720
I love to cry at weddings how I love to
cry at weddings. I walk into a chapel

159
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:10,440
and get happily hysterical. The ushers
and attendants, the family dependent.

160
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:16,100
I see them and I start to sniff. Have
you an extra handkerchief? And all

161
00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:18,900
the service while the bride and groom
look nervous.

162
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:21,620
Tears of joy are streaming down my...

163
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:37,880
It's tough for a loudmouth mug like me,
who all the time bellows like a bull, to

164
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:43,200
make with the words about a couple to
be, when what you think is an empty

165
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,200
is full.

166
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:48,920
And when a couple says, I do, I die.

167
00:11:50,180 --> 00:11:51,560
For now you...

168
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:12,730
I see them and I start to

169
00:12:12,730 --> 00:12:17,330
sniff. Have you an extra handkerchief?
And all through the service, while the

170
00:12:17,330 --> 00:12:21,930
bride and groom look nervous, I drink
champagne and think we'd had a line.

171
00:12:22,550 --> 00:12:24,170
I love to cry.

172
00:12:56,410 --> 00:12:57,410
Well,

173
00:12:58,310 --> 00:13:01,090
I have a bullet with your name on it.

174
00:13:06,490 --> 00:13:06,990
I

175
00:13:06,990 --> 00:13:14,910
tell

176
00:13:14,910 --> 00:13:17,170
you, Bubbles, this is going to be the
crime of the year.

177
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:21,310
Me and the boys break into the vault of
the first national bank, and then when

178
00:13:21,310 --> 00:13:25,350
we get... Wait a minute, Dabby. The
first nationals got walls five feet

179
00:13:25,470 --> 00:13:28,910
solid steel doors, and burglar alarms
all over the place. How you gonna get

180
00:13:29,230 --> 00:13:30,730
They always leave the key under the mat.

181
00:13:31,630 --> 00:13:33,670
How I ask you, Bubbles, what can go
wrong?

182
00:13:33,910 --> 00:13:37,890
Just one thing. I heard that Tommy Gunn
Cooper's in town.

183
00:13:38,170 --> 00:13:41,550
Cooper? In that case, I'm blowing out of
here. You're always blowing out of

184
00:13:41,550 --> 00:13:44,170
here. I know. I'm forever blowing,
Bubbles.

185
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,800
Wait a minute, don't answer that. It
might be a trap.

186
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:48,719
How do you know?

187
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:49,720
We ain't got no phone.

188
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,800
You've got to get out of here. All
right, I'm coming in. You're getting too

189
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:54,800
laughs. It's Cooper.

190
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,320
One move and you'll get it. Why the
phone arrow?

191
00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:02,760
I'd only wake the kids next door.

192
00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:04,759
All right.

193
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:05,760
Who put the finger on me?

194
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,060
Who was it now?

195
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,400
You're listening to me, see? Because I'm
the big shot around here. You

196
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:16,379
understand?

197
00:14:16,380 --> 00:14:17,400
What I say, go, see.

198
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:18,940
You got that?

199
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:20,880
Another impression now. Louis Armstrong.

200
00:14:22,900 --> 00:14:24,100
I said don't get in the way there.

201
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,120
Louis Armstrong.

202
00:14:27,140 --> 00:14:28,140
Oh, that's shocking.

203
00:14:29,460 --> 00:14:30,460
Pretty old TV.

204
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:32,560
How do you show them?

205
00:14:33,380 --> 00:14:34,380
Pretty white.

206
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:39,040
Tell me, what was it like being in jail?

207
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,540
Dreadful. Well, you only had visitors
between two and five.

208
00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:42,980
Well, what's wrong with that?

209
00:14:43,220 --> 00:14:44,300
Well, I didn't know anybody that young.

210
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,000
Tell me, how did you manage to break
out?

211
00:14:50,980 --> 00:14:53,400
Well, I saw my way out with this file.

212
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,300
Why is that file so big?

213
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:57,720
There's a cake inside it.

214
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:04,040
You know, Tommy, you've been away a long
time, and it's only right that I should

215
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:07,960
fill you in on a situation. You see, I'm
coming up in a while. I'm now public

216
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:08,960
enemy number two.

217
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:10,600
Who's number one? Me, Marta.

218
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,140
I'm really living it up. No kidding.
Look at this.

219
00:15:13,670 --> 00:15:16,990
Chocolate's made especially for me with
my own favorite flavors.

220
00:15:17,270 --> 00:15:18,209
Try one.

221
00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:19,210
Right.

222
00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:20,570
Now, this one.

223
00:15:21,770 --> 00:15:22,629
What is it?

224
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:23,630
Smoked salmon.

225
00:15:25,450 --> 00:15:27,810
Watch, my friends. I'll tell you what.
You have one of my cigars. How's that?

226
00:15:27,930 --> 00:15:28,749
Oh, thank you.

227
00:15:28,750 --> 00:15:29,750
Smoke that.

228
00:15:30,770 --> 00:15:32,110
What kind is it? Corona, Corona.

229
00:15:32,610 --> 00:15:33,930
No, you mean a Corona, Corona.

230
00:15:34,230 --> 00:15:35,850
No, you smoke it. See, it comes for you
in the morning.

231
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,880
According to proceedings, it behooves me
to invite you to participate in a

232
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,040
forthcoming bank job. The First National
Bank.

233
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,800
Four million dollars in gold is being
delivered there today.

234
00:15:50,140 --> 00:15:51,460
Well, where does all that gold come
from?

235
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:53,780
Zsa Zsa Gabor melted down all her old
wedding rings.

236
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,420
Let's get this straight. You're going to
dash into the bank, right? You shoot

237
00:15:57,420 --> 00:15:58,600
the clerk, shoot the guard,

238
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:03,540
right? Get all the money, put it in the
bag, come running out into the waiting

239
00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:05,980
car, and I'm sitting in the car, and I'm
taking all the risk.

240
00:16:06,660 --> 00:16:07,660
Now, wait a minuet.

241
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:09,540
I go into the bank.

242
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:13,620
Yeah? Shoot the clerk, grab the money,
shoot the guard, put the money in a bag,

243
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,420
bring it out to you while all you're
doing is sitting in a car and you're

244
00:16:16,420 --> 00:16:17,299
all the risks?

245
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:18,460
Yes. Well, I can't drive.

246
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,200
There's three reasons. Well, look, when
we get into the joint, into the bank,

247
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:28,360
there's only one thing that you... My...

248
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:32,920
My people panic.

249
00:16:33,140 --> 00:16:34,520
It's Fred Pirelli. What happened?

250
00:16:34,740 --> 00:16:36,200
It was Winnie Pinero!

251
00:16:36,650 --> 00:16:40,370
He shot at me, but I managed to get
here. I crawled through the railway

252
00:16:40,450 --> 00:16:44,530
across the bridge, over the main
highway, up the fire escape, and through

253
00:16:44,530 --> 00:16:46,430
window. So Wingy Panero shot you?

254
00:16:46,930 --> 00:16:48,990
No, he missed. It was the trip that
killed me.

255
00:16:51,170 --> 00:16:52,170
He's dead.

256
00:16:52,530 --> 00:16:53,670
Poor code, Fred.

257
00:16:57,010 --> 00:16:57,889
Wait a minute.

258
00:16:57,890 --> 00:16:58,910
What's that in his hand?

259
00:16:59,830 --> 00:17:00,830
Thank you.

260
00:17:03,530 --> 00:17:04,770
To whom it may consign.

261
00:17:05,420 --> 00:17:07,940
Tommy Cooper is really in the pay of the
FBI?

262
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,040
Stimmer!

263
00:17:10,099 --> 00:17:11,480
In the name of the law. What law?

264
00:17:11,859 --> 00:17:13,000
My brother -in -law. It's his gun.

265
00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:16,140
What are you going to do to me now?

266
00:17:16,380 --> 00:17:18,040
I'm taking you in on a homicide charge.

267
00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:19,520
And don't try to bribe me.

268
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,160
Who mentioned bribery? I did. It was
somebody who had to break the ice.

269
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:24,859
No, no, you listen to me, Tommy.

270
00:17:25,339 --> 00:17:28,900
You can't do this to me, your old pal,
Stubby Paradino. You can't send me back

271
00:17:28,900 --> 00:17:31,800
to the pen. I don't want to go back to
the pen. You can't send me back to the

272
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:35,940
pen, because if you do, they'll put me
in my old cell, and I can't stand it!

273
00:17:35,940 --> 00:17:38,240
not? The wallpaper clashes with my eyes.

274
00:17:39,180 --> 00:17:42,200
It's no good. I'm sitting away for a
long stretch, up and down the river. Up

275
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:43,580
down the river? It's a two -way stretch.

276
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:50,380
All right, and another thing. I've
got... Life is Jet the Boner, Jerry.

277
00:17:52,540 --> 00:17:53,540
Nice white bubbles.

278
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:54,569
Not bubbles.

279
00:17:54,570 --> 00:17:59,970
I'm here on behalf of Scotland Yard. I
am, in fact, but perhaps this will help.

280
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:06,550
Oh, that's a wonderful disguise,
Inspector Barlow.

281
00:18:08,010 --> 00:18:09,570
One move and I'll shoot.

282
00:18:09,850 --> 00:18:11,370
You ain't gonna shoot me. You know why?

283
00:18:11,650 --> 00:18:12,650
You're yellow.

284
00:18:13,710 --> 00:18:15,110
What do you know? I'm colorblind.

285
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:33,860
putting on weight, but this is silly.

286
00:18:35,260 --> 00:18:38,560
What are you complaining for? I've lost
a lot of weight, Tommy. I'm built like a

287
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:39,379
Greek god.

288
00:18:39,380 --> 00:18:40,920
You're built like a Greek restaurant.
Get off.

289
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,460
I don't want to get off. I'm nice and
comfortable here. I like it. Stay where

290
00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:45,159
you are.

291
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:45,899
I'm not going anywhere.

292
00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,040
The big boss is coming.

293
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,780
What, bigger than him? The big boss.

294
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:49,799
The big boss.

295
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:50,800
Well, who is the big boss?

296
00:19:08,270 --> 00:19:11,350
interview time, and in our studio this
evening we have that remarkable French

297
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:13,630
artist, Monsieur Toulouse -Lautrec.

298
00:19:24,190 --> 00:19:25,190
Mini Cooper.

299
00:19:28,330 --> 00:19:32,090
Well, good evening, Mr. Lautrec, and
welcome to London. Is this your first

300
00:19:32,090 --> 00:19:33,049
to England?

301
00:19:33,050 --> 00:19:34,050
No.

302
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:37,290
No, I came many years ago. I was a
jockey here.

303
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:38,519
Oh, really? Where was that?

304
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:39,720
At the White City dog track.

305
00:19:41,540 --> 00:19:43,080
Did you have any other early jobs?

306
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:44,059
Oh, yeah.

307
00:19:44,060 --> 00:19:45,060
Yes.

308
00:19:45,340 --> 00:19:46,420
I was a pickpocket.

309
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,140
I wasn't very good. Oh, why was that? I
couldn't reach the pocket.

310
00:19:50,660 --> 00:19:52,380
Then I got a job in a dairy. Oh, what
at?

311
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:53,860
Condensed milkman.

312
00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:58,900
Were you the only artist in... All
right.

313
00:19:59,300 --> 00:20:04,200
Were you the... Were you the only artist
in your family?

314
00:20:07,530 --> 00:20:08,530
No, I wasn't.

315
00:20:08,930 --> 00:20:13,330
No, my uncle was an artist, but he got
arrested for using a nude model.

316
00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:16,910
But artists have always used nude
models. Not pavement artists.

317
00:20:19,350 --> 00:20:23,450
What was the most difficult period of
your life? Oh, I've got those happy

318
00:20:26,230 --> 00:20:28,610
Happy feet, happy feet. Pardon?

319
00:20:29,630 --> 00:20:34,050
What was the most difficult period of
your life? Well, I was starving in a

320
00:20:34,050 --> 00:20:36,710
garret, and I had to sublet my other
bathroom.

321
00:20:37,150 --> 00:20:39,910
You were starving and yet you had
another bathroom. Oh, yes. Well, that's

322
00:20:39,910 --> 00:20:41,370
they called me. To lose the track.

323
00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:46,830
Thank you.

324
00:20:48,250 --> 00:20:53,590
Of course, you must have... Yes?

325
00:20:54,490 --> 00:20:59,850
You... You must have met Van Gogh, the
man who painted all those wonderful

326
00:20:59,850 --> 00:21:01,410
paintings with one ear.

327
00:21:01,690 --> 00:21:03,830
Oh, yes. I told him that he should use a
paintbrush.

328
00:21:04,970 --> 00:21:07,430
He was a genius. Oh, how... Absolutely a
genius.

329
00:21:07,990 --> 00:21:10,390
I mean, I was there when he cut off his
hair, you know. Really? Oh, yes.

330
00:21:10,690 --> 00:21:11,689
Cut it right off.

331
00:21:11,690 --> 00:21:13,150
And I said to him, I said, you're a
genius.

332
00:21:13,790 --> 00:21:14,790
And he said, eh?

333
00:21:20,170 --> 00:21:25,170
Being so short must be a terrible
disadvantage.

334
00:21:26,110 --> 00:21:27,110
Look at that, look.

335
00:21:28,890 --> 00:21:30,710
Look! You can't do that!

336
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:38,759
Well, I was always small.

337
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:40,960
You really were. Oh, yes. I could only
have one meter at a time.

338
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:44,640
Can I ask you something?

339
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:46,740
Yes, go on. Where are all the small
girls?

340
00:21:47,980 --> 00:21:49,980
I believe we brought some paintings with
you.

341
00:21:50,220 --> 00:21:53,320
Oh, yes, I have. They're not all mine.
They're my mate's.

342
00:21:53,540 --> 00:21:54,780
Here's one from money.

343
00:21:55,060 --> 00:21:59,080
Ah, are you sure that's a money? It's
just a lot of old cables and horses and

344
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,080
things like that.

345
00:22:00,100 --> 00:22:03,740
Well, that was his speciality. You know
the old saying, money for old rope.

346
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:07,120
Here's another one.

347
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,300
This is Napoleon's retreat from
Waterloo.

348
00:22:09,700 --> 00:22:10,980
But that's just a blank canvas.

349
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:12,240
He had a very fast horse.

350
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:15,660
Give me the sunshine.

351
00:22:17,420 --> 00:22:22,320
Now, I know what this one is. This is a
horse painted by Sir Alfred Munnings.

352
00:22:22,340 --> 00:22:23,460
That's a very valuable painting.

353
00:22:23,660 --> 00:22:24,660
Very valuable.

354
00:22:25,460 --> 00:22:26,740
Here's another one. Oh, what's that?

355
00:22:26,980 --> 00:22:28,720
That's Sir Alfred Munnings painted by a
horse.

356
00:22:30,940 --> 00:22:32,300
Ah, now that looks interesting.

357
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:33,680
What do you call that one?

358
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:52,680
This one, look.

359
00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:54,740
Yes, what do you call that? A reclining
figure.

360
00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,380
And his one now is quite a nice one.

361
00:23:00,620 --> 00:23:02,960
What do you call that? That's a shelf
portrait.

362
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,540
And this one I'm very proud of. This one
here.

363
00:23:07,740 --> 00:23:09,700
This is Fifi in a bath.

364
00:23:10,260 --> 00:23:12,660
Fifi in the bath? But that's just a
locked door.

365
00:23:12,940 --> 00:23:13,940
Well, that's the nearest I could get.

366
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:19,180
Oh, dear. I've got to get up. My mom
needs to kill me.

367
00:23:52,110 --> 00:23:53,110
Huh?